almost 25

It sure has been awhile since I've had a good tirade.  I'll be 25 in 16 days...I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for it yet.  I know that 25 is just a drop in the bucket, but it's just proving to me more and more that I'm an adult now.  I miss my carefree days, I feel like I missed them.  I love my son more than anything in the world, but right now I feel so guilty about being half the mom I really want to be for him.  I know that I'm doing the best that I can do with what I have, but I feel so guilty when I'm constantly scolding him for everything.  Friends tell me that its just that hes 3 and he'll grow out of it, but its frustrating.  It doesnt make it any easier that I feel like my life is slipping away from me.  I talk to older friends, those whos kids are my age, and they tell me about giving up their lives to raise their children...and now at age 50 they are finally having the life they missed.  No one regrets the decisions they made choosing their children as first, but sometimes i just need some reassurance that its  ok to want to be 25 instead of just MOM.  I want to get out in the world again, but I worry that it will lead me right back to that place 5 years ago that I don't want to ever find myself again.

While we are on the subject of the Katie that was around 5 years ago, let me be the first to say that she was a bitch.  I was a terrible friend, I dont know why so many of you stuck around like you did to see me through the hard times.  I don't even know who that was, and I'm ashamed that I know she was me.  I hope that the Katie I am now is a better person.  I hope that anything I did in the past can be forgiven, not only by my friends, but also by my son.....and my God. 

Thank you to all of my friends that loved me through it all.  I am sorry to all of my friends that did or did not.  I miss you all and I only hope that you all know how much I appreciate your friendship, as there is nothing more important than the friends that I have around me.  I love you all.

procrastinating and waiting

Prayers are needed for my Mom and Dad.

Dear God, Please keep them strong.